I’ve just finished a long day of organizing 267 rock samples into boxes today, and so have decided that this week’s blog post will be my drunken review of a random, and probably terrible, movie. Tonight, I have chosen “The Returned” as my victim. It wins because not only is it a futuristic zombie movie, but it co-stars Kris Holden-Ried, my future celebrity husband. It’s possible this review could devolve into reminiscing about the brief moment I met him.
Yup. He is tall and I am short, and he said it was nice to meet me. I was smitten because the previous day he’d told us at his panel interview that if he could be any supernatural creature he would be a vampire so he could be immortal. We’re soulmates, ok? Leave me alone.
I am literally only half a glass in and I’ve already gone on a tangent. Oops.
But seriously, I love zombie movies. So does my roommate, so I feel a little bad about watching this without her (especially since she watches Lost Girl, for which Kris Holden-Ried is famous), but probably this is the kind of movie I would watch multiple times, no matter how bad it ends up being.
Before I begin this movie, I’d like to point out that the top 3 movies Netflix says are like it are called “Zombie Massacre,” “Hell,” and “Devil’s Knot.” The internet is being weird so I can’t see what the photo on the cover is, but those are great titles.
So much blood and death and creepy footage during the credits. Off to a good start.
Ah, so they’re going with that whole, main character had a tragic past and watched her parents get eaten by the zombies thing. Bummer. Now seems like a good time to mention that in this future, there’s an antidote to zombie-ism. There’s just not enough for everyone. Our heroine appears to be a doctor, and Holden-Ried is the adorable boyfriend? Husband? I dunno… he still looks like a werewolf to me.
Why do we care about the security guard’s haircut?
Oh snap, The Returned are the discriminated group of the future! There are protesters outside the hospital, but I still have no idea what they’re protesting. Can I have some plot please? Where are all the zombies?? All I see are ex-zombies! I DEMAND ZOMBIES NOW.
HEY IT’S A LOST GIRL REUNION PARTY!! Dyson and the evil guy from season 3. Yeaaaaaah
The novel pitch this woman just gave is… absurd… and somehow it’s a segue into THE BIG SECRET REVEAL which is actually really freaking obvious given the circumstances. Note to self: always be prepared for zombies. NO NO NO don’t ring the damn bell!! Zombies are attracted by noise! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.
That was supposed to be an epic bomb drop. But… he’s on the cover image for the movie as half-zombie, so… not surprised. Bummer Dyson, er… whatever your name is in this. Secretly I want to see him become a zombie anyway.
Hehe this is a Canadian zombie movie.
Ok, so, the whole premise of this movie is that they are running out of the zombie antidote. Because of a lack of funding, or a cutback in funding. Um. Shouldn’t anti-zombie funding be everyone’s #1 priority? I mean seriously… even the Pentagon has a plan for a zombie outbreak. According to this movie, the person needs to get the first shot of the antidote within 36 hours. Money should be pouring in to mass produce this shit. But instead they are discriminating against the Returned. The assholes of the world would rather just have them killed or segregated than spend money to try to cure them/keep them supplied with meds. I sense a parallel to something like HIV/AIDS research, but that could be the wine talking, because I actually know nothing about HIV/AIDS research… Whoa… this just got really political. I’m actually enjoying the buildup of the plot now. This movie might not be as terrible as I anticipated.
Oh daaaaamn a big red “RETURNED” note gets slapped on your ID if you get diagnosed with zombie-ism and survive. This movie is really depressing.
Well, this is different… the scary thing isn’t the zombies, but the returned-haters. This is awfully depressing for a zombie movie. What the hell, Canada?
Aww they are still bros, and it’s beautiful.
They just had a bonding moment about counting the vials of zombie-antidote. Adorable.
DID SHE JUST SAY “FRAKKING”???? NERD. Oh wait, I do that all the time…
“That’s kind of spooky.” Ok, you’re watching ye old Dracula, but I’m hearing weird thumping noises around my house and I’m home alone. THAT is spooky.
Seriously, what are those noises?
Hey look, that guy’s from “Bitten”! Canada, do you have more than 15 actors? I am growing concerned. I mean, they’re good. But… don’t you have more of them?
I’m sorry Canada, I promise I really love you, and I only jest in a loving way.
Ok… what… what just happened…. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I was not expecting this movie to be so good NOOOOOOOO everything is terrible. The depression continues and everything sucks.
This movie is not about zombies. It’s about really shitty friends and horrible illnesses. This might be the wine talking. You should watch this movie. And yell at it.
This is going to go very, very wrong, I can already tell. Never has a zombie movie been this depressing.
Would I run someone over just to get the zombie-antidote they stole from me because I loved someone who was infected? Maybe. Maybe not. Wow this movie is intense.
I am seriously nearly in tears over this movie. What the hell. It’s about ZOMBIES. Canada, go home, you are drunk, and doing this wrong. Oh wait… maybe I am the drunk one.
NOOOOOOOOO WTF CANADA WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS TO ME.
Those characters should die. Horrible deaths. Gods damn, Canada, only you could make a zombie movie this tragic.
I need a hug.
No one is here, so I’ll just watch an episode of X-Files to feel better about life. Somehow this works. It’s, um, research for Halloween?